Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg
Key ideas
Let’s not judge each other as right or wrong
Let’s act in a way that can contribute to each other’s well being
Listen for feelings and needs
Connect with consciousness
Feels
“Feel” followed by that, like, as if or any noun = not “true feeling”
Self judgement:
Be aware of emotion vs interpretation/diagnosis of another person
Good vs bad prevent reader from connecting easily
Connect emotion to cause of discomfort; add something that the other person could do to alleviate discomfort
Develop a rich vocabulary of needs: differentiate ****needs from requests/strategies
Learning a Language of needs
Manfred Max Neef - taxonomy of fundamental human needs
Human needs - sustenance, safety, empathy, honesty, celebration, play, love, warm and accepting community, autonomy
Denial of personal responsibility
Move away from reward/punishment
Nonviolent communication = intention is to create the quantity of connection for everyone to get their needs met compassionately
Observations (observable behavior) vs. evaluations
KEEP OBSERVATIONS AND EVALUATIONS SEPARATE
Take responsibility for your feelings
our feelings are a result for what we choose to do
Use "BECAUSE I ..." rather than "You make me feel ..." , etc.
It’s not others’ actions that make us feel a certain way, but we are interpreting ourselves to make us feel those feelings
We want to communicate from our needs rather than analyze in a judgmental way
The more directly we connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to understand us
Positive action language
Express what you do want, rather than what you don’t want
Be aware of what you’re requesting
Ask other to reflect back when we openly express ourselves
Make sure requests are not heard as demands (punished, guilted, shamed, coerced)
Avoid - should, supposed to, justified
Empathic connection
Nonviolent communication with self
Use language that acknowledges choice
Gain clarity about the need being served by our actions
Make "have to" → "I choose to _____ because I want to ____" list
Avoid guilt, shame, robot-like mentality
Do things out of play; enrich life moment by moment; make life play
Using force
Protective versus punitive (generates resentment and hostility)
Anger
Root = Not being in connection with needs, finding fault, blaming the other person
Divorce other person from all responsibility; recognize that it is a stimulus for anger, but not a cause
Guilt - manipulation/coercion
Be fully conscious of our need
Differentiate "I am angry because of what they did" vs "I’m angry because I’m needing (what I’m needing) and get in touch with (what I’m needing)"
It’s not what others do, but the images and interpretations in our heads that produces the anger
Make a list of “I don’t like people who are ____” and recognize what your needs are
Expressing gratitude
Transform praise into appreciation
Instead, ask:
Receive gratitude joyfully (vs. egotism/false humility - shrugging it off)
it is our light not our darkness that frightens us
Be aware of how often you complain about things going wrong vs. right